Checking In On LA's Other Hype Machine (No, Not The Clippers)

Lakers, Lakers, Lakers...Kobe, Kobe, Kobe....Yada yada yada. We all know the Lakers are good this year, and they have a good chance to bring back old memories by making a Lakers-Celtics NBA Finals matchup. All this NBA talk, we can't forget about our female athletes. I gotta give my lady ballers some love. Forget the Lakers for one second, what about the Sparks?!


When I talk about the Sparks, I'm only talking about Candace Parker. Lisa Leslie was the first female to dunk in WNBA history, whoopee doo. She also led the Sparks to the worst record in WNBA last season (10-24). Being pregnant will do that to you and your team. Congratulations, because you got the first pick in the draft, and what a pick you got.

In her WNBA debut, Candace Parker's numbers were: 34 points, 12 rebounds, 8 assists. Add in a couple steals and a block, all while playing the entire freakin' game minus 1 minute!! That is impressive, VERY impressive. Almost a triple double in her professional debut. WOW. And now, the Sparks are first in their conference, 1-0. It's only one game, but that's a big turnaround to tell people that your team went from worst in the league to best. Just don't tell them that the season's only 1 game deep.

On a sidenote, what's going on with our California native Candice Wiggins from Stanford. Playing for the Minnesota Lynx now, how did she do in her WNBA debut?


15 points, 4 rebounds, 2 assists, 4 steals in 29 minutes. Not bad, not bad. 2 of 6 from the 3-point line, she can work on that. Only 1 turnover though, so that's good to see for a guard. She didn't start, but being the #3 pick in the draft, I'm sure she's going to work her game out a bit and start soon for the Minnesota Lynx, who also won their first game, after tying the Sparks for the worst record last season.

These two girls played against each other in the NCAA Women's Tournament Finals just this past winter. Of course, Candace Parker's Tennessee Vols beat Candice Wiggins' Stanford Cardinal. We loved Wiggins back then, leading the Cardinal all the way to the finals just coming short. But now, we get to love Parker, since she's down in sunny LA!

What do we do now? Look forward to a rematch with a Sparks-Lynx conference finals matchup. That'll be fun, won't it? All those 3000 fans cheering like crazy in one lonely section of the arena. Man, what excitement! Maybe, Lisa Leslie will dunk a couple more times and make more history! O boy o boy!!

"WNBA: You're in the spotlight because there's nobody else in the arena to shine it on"

On another sidenote, guess what? I just made TPIC history!! I think this is our first EVER WNBA post!! Woot woot, I rock!! Put me on YouTube now!!

From Around the Blogs:
Man U vs Chelsea in the battle of the hottest WAGs [Sports Crackle Pop]
ESPN Fake Analyst Back To Sex Scam Game [Busted Coverage]
Jason Taylor Sacked In "Dancing With The Stars" Finale [Sports by Brooks]

Oh No, This Again?!

Those of you expecting a rant from Ms. Auto will be sourly disappointed with today’s post. To put it blunt, she’s pretty much has had it with the NBA. But then again so have I. I mean so after all those hard fought battles in the West, we’re stuck with this again:

Shit. It is true that past Spurs-Lakers showdown has given us many memorable plays, like Derek Fisher’s game winning shot with 0.4 seconds all the way back in 2004. Yeah, that was pretty sweet. Games like those are true classics…

…but man, let’s see someone else create some classics! The Hornets were really ready to shake things up in the West. I mean here’s a team that came out of obscurity. They had no MVP like Dallas. They had no 7 second offense like the Suns. They had no Tim Duncan, Tony Parker, or Ginobli. They didn’t even have a Kobe…or did they?


All I have to say is Chris Paul is the man. His effort was hard fought. Yet, now we’re stuck with this match up again. Great. Freakin’ Awesome. Maybe I should start putting on my Mark Madsen retro jersey, because I’ve seen this shit about a million times. Though, I admit it will be a good match up to watch (even if it is the Spurs), it’s nothing new, and when nothing is new, boredom and lack of interest will rise. Not that I was really ever that interested in the NBA playoffs anyway.

Oh well, the bright side is there’s still a playoffs, which mean that we can still make plenty of uneducated dick jokes. Yay!

From Around the Blogs:
Eli Manning sure loves Disneyland [KSK]
On Karma and Good Deeds [Strike Zones and End Zones]
Pete C does Jay Walking... meh [The Wizard of Odds]

The CA Heat is Making Me Lazy

2 days ago, I was supposed to write a post regarding Game 6's outcome of the Spurs/Hornets matchup.

Well damn, the boring-ass Spurs beat the Hornets. I'm a hater. I could say a lot of awfully mean, non-sports-related stuff. But I will just say this:

Boo.

I hate dirty players! Yeah, I'm talking to you Horry!

I write this post...a day before game 7. And in due time, I will be able to celebrate or be sad. And people, you won't hear from me for awhile if my team falls.

What will happen Monday? We can only wait and see. If things go accordingly, the Hornets should be able to maximize on home-court advantage and win. Most teams have been unable to win on the road, and I hope the Spurs get stomped on in New Orleans. It's a tricky post season though. The Lakers beat the Jazz in Utah. And the Pistons were able to beat the Magic in Orlando. It's unfortunate - the game can go either way.

I'm prepared for celebration or for the worst. I've cut back on drinking a lot. But the other day I managed to find my favorite beer at BevMo, and I promise that my alcoholism will pick up with either that win or loss Monday.



A TASTE OF HEAVEN

It's hermit-mode though.
And it's real hot. We Californians can't really focus enough to write a halfway decent post. Instead, we're all scrounging to find the nearest beach, lake, or rooftop to tan on at the expense of the quality of TPIC blogs.


Sorry folks. Stay tuned for an upcoming really really good post...I hope.

From Around the Blogs:
What to watch in the Big East [NE Patriots Draft]
Dan Morgan retires [Pro Football Talk]
Charlie Weis, a product of Spygate [Larry Brown Sports]

Hooray Lakers?

Yay?

So can we be considered Laker fans now?

A Blast From the Past

Today, Ms. Auto was going to write a post scorning the Spurs in their playoff victory. However, I do not know where that post went. Thus since it's Friday and I'm lazy, here's an article I did on the Bears Necessity a while back, just before the draft. Think of it as me being Mel Kiper with none of the research and not sporting the Mel Kiper pompadour. Enjoy!

When trying to come up with topics to write about the obvious one I could have picked was something about the NFL Draft. With many Cal prospects in the mix (DeSean, Lavelle, Stevens, to name a few), there’s much to cover. Hell, even Joe Ayoob might pop up out of no where and make a glorious comeback like Keanu Reeves did in the Replacements. Oh wait, I forgot. In order to make a glorious comeback, you have to obtain glory first. My bad.

Thus, in my first inaugural article, I’ll be analyzing each top potential draft pick from Cal as we head into the draft. Now, I know Avinash offers very serious analysis on this website. Don’t expect the same from me. My “expertise” basically comprises of what I read on ESPN and Sports Illustrated 5 minutes before writing this article, but hey, with that amount of research, I’m already a regular Peter King. Also, because I’m lazy and can only make dick jokes for so long, I’ll only be offering previews for four players, the three mentioned above and Andrew Larsen. Yeah, that’s right, Andrew Larsen. So, enjoy!

DeSean Jackson:

Out of all the players coming from Cal, the obvious one generating a lot of buzz is number 1 himself. He’s fast, agile, and can return punts with ease. Watching DeSean play the last few years as a punt returner has been pretty awesome. He has very Dante Hall like plays, causing defenders to miss tackles left and right. Watching him play as a receiver has been pretty ah-ight. Sure, he’s usually the go to man when Cal needs an air touchdown, but at the same time, his numbers haven’t been exactly mind blowing, and that’s only at the college level. He is a deep threat with his speed, but he’s also a liability with his size. Rivals.com lists him at 172 lbs. I know a lot of guys who are 172 lbs and in decent shape. I’m pretty sure they’d get post traumatic stress syndrome with one Ray Lewis crush, or stabbing. Hopefully DeSean’s conditioning will allow him to withstand it. DeSean has the chance to become the next Santana Moss or Dante Hall. Um, make of that as you will.

Who will probably draft him: Tennessee Titans, Philadelphia Eagles, Dallas Cowboys
Who will actually draft him: Detroit Lions

Lavelle Hawkins:

Lavelle Hawkins has spent a lot of his career playing second fiddle to DJ. He’s been a pretty reliable receiver and quick at shaking off coverage. He’s also the source of the most ridiculous college football chant in the world: the Hawk. The Hawk is basically when you put your arms in front of you and move them as if you had wings. Though this sounds cool, you actually end up looking like a guy with Parkinson’s trying to do the YMCA. His main downfall is his size, measuring up only to about a DeSean. You’ll probably see him fall to around to the 120’s.

Who will probably draft him: San Francisco 49ers, Houston Texans
Who will actually draft him: Detroit Lions

Craig Stevens:

Before the combine, Stevens wasn’t really a hot prospect. Then after the combine, his name shot up faster than a heroin addict going on tour with Motley Crue. People site him as a rare example of a tight end who can actually block, something loss with all these “tight ends” who are basically just receivers. People like Antonio Gates and Todd Heap. That seems kind of like a cheat for those guys to be called tight ends. It reminds me of when I was a kid and we played back yard football. There would always be a blocker who would pretend to block but then come out and be a receiver. When all of us where like “what the fuck man?” he would just respond that he was playing tight end. Lame. Don’t expect Stevens to pull any of that pussy shit around in the NFL. He’d be a valuable asset to a team loaded with short field receivers.

Who will probably draft him: New England Patriots, Minnesota Vikings
Who will actually draft him: Detroit Lions (Millen to front office : “He’s a receiver right?”)

Andrew Larsen:

Larsen is our punter. He can kick the ball real far. Teams who will need him have punters who cannot kick the ball as far as him. Yeah, that’s pretty much all you need to know.

Who will probably draft him: Tampa Bay Bucs
Who will actually draft him: Oakland Raiders, most likely utilizing an early pick. Al Davis will the comment on his own genius while hundreds of fans at the draft laugh out loud.

Well there you go. It's kind of fun looking back to see how my analysis actually worked it. I was pretty much wrong on everything. I guess I am just like Mel Kiper!

From Around the Blogs:
JJ Redick has potential to be an NBA Star [20 Second Timeout]
Tyson vs Kimbo Slice [Sportsaphile]
Baron Davis wants to stay in the bay [The Crossover: Baron Davis]

Put Me Back in the Bullpen, Barry Z Needs to Spend His Cash

Hey, I know I’ve been playing a little better lately, but don’t let that fool you. I just wanted to set up San Francisco for a major disappointment, one that will sting so bad that the Giants will have to put me back in the bullpen. I’ll play decent, giving you Giants fans a glimmer of hope concerning Captain Quirk. You’ll start thinking, hey maybe signing Barry wasn’t such a colossal failure. You may even make some signs for me saying stuff like “From Zito to Hero” or some clever shit like that. Then out of nowhere… BAM! I blow 10 runs in one inning. It’ll be awesome, superb! You’ll want me to stay on the bullpen for the rest of the season.

Ahhh, and that was Barry’s plan all along…suckers! A few weeks ago, when I heard I was heading to the bullpen, my mind literally exploded. Barry Zito is going to the bullpen? Fuck yes! Many pitchers would probably be disappointed with such an announcement, but not Barry Z. No no no. What other pitchers don’t realize is Barry Zito thinks differently. Other pitchers are idiots: why waste your time playing games and destroying your arm in the process? Why risk getting hit by a stray grounder?

Some people would think a pitcher in the MLB would be a bit more professional, you know have drive and integrity and spirit and whatever. Nope, not me. I don’t have time for that shit, you know why? Because spending 126 million dollars takes a long ass time, time I can’t afford to spend starting for the Giants. I mean if I go into the bullpen, I’ll have tons of time to do things other than baseball. What do I have on my agenda, you ask? Well for starters….

- I found this totally gnarly yoga studio down on North Beach. The instructor charges about one thousand bucks per lesson, but it’s totally worth it. A good yoga session is what I need in order to loosen up for a day in the bullpen.

- I heard they’ve been developing Guitar Hero IV. Well I, for about one hundred thousand buckaroos, can get an advanced copy of it before it comes out. Totally wicked! Guitar Hero is pretty sweet. I love playing The Allman Brothers’ Jessica while stoned. I also love listening to the Allman Brothers stoned. Hell, I even enjoy NOT listening to the Allman Brothers stoned. In fact, I’m stoned right now! Sweet huh? (You have any eye drops by the way?)

- Speaking of Guitars, I just bought this sweet new Ibanez SA yesterday. I was going to totally rock out with it on Monday, but guess what? They made me play. Fuckin’ shit man. Do you know how close I was to learning Eruption? Eddie Van Halen himself would have shat in his pants, and it’s not because of the brown sound. Hopefully the Giants won’t pull that kind of shit on me in the future, because I’m trying to learn November Rain. Maybe then I can ditch this baseball thing and fulfill my childhood dream of replacing Slash.

- I also used my money to hire NOFX to play non stop music in my garage. They’re in there right now as we speak. Maybe if I had more time to do shit I would be able to feed and smoke out with them more often. They’ve been starting to bitch at me the same way Alyssa Milano did.

Of course, I realize that blowing all this money could leave me penniless. Silly baseball fans. I may come off as a laid back stoner, but I can be a bit of a business man when I want to. I present to you my 5 million dollar investment… Planet Zito!

It’ll be just like Planet Hollywood except it will be filled only with pictures of me instead of pictures of Bruce Willis and our Governor. Plus it won’t suck.

Planet Zito is going to be the wave of the future when it comes to food, but remember, I need time in order to make this wish come true! So remember San Francisco, you may think that I’m playing pretty good the next few starts, but eventually I’ll screw you over to get sent to that sand covered heaven. My yoga depends on it.

From Around the Blogs:
In the NBA Playoffs, there's no place like home [Deadspin]
Worst of yesterday night in the NBA [Basketbawful]
Gary Bettman, stupid like a fox [Melt Your Face Off]

The Angels Are Way Better Than The Dodgers Because...

...Disneyland is AWESOME!!


*Sigh* Reminds me of good old Splash Mountain. How about the Dodgers?


Ye good olde Dodger Blue....recycling bin.


Angels fans....


Dodgers fans.

Cool gadgets...


The famous Dodger Dog...aka wrinkly weiner that doesn't fit on a bun. But I guess I can't bag the Dodgers too much, since they got this:


But also this:


Yay for pictures. Pictures are worth a thousand words, but so are numbers.

Angels: 24-17
Dodgers: 19-19

And back to pictures to finish it off:


in bright red: WORLD CHAMPIONS!

Sorry for the laziness, hence the pictures instead of words. Hope you read why the A's are better than the Giants!

From Around the Blogs
Hines Ward has no smirre [KSK]
Lo Duca, leave Washington, now! [Mr. Irrelevant]
The Dallas Stars say all the wrong things [Puck Daddy]