Raiders Look to Get D-Hall, Al Davis Excited About Ruining Another Career

Is Wayne Brady gonna have to smack a bitch? The better question is …are the Raiders gonna win 5 games???

With the acquisition of a player like DeAngelo Hall, the Raiders’ secondary looks incredible: Nnamdi Asomugha, DeAngelo Hall, Michael Huff, and Gibril Wilson. In all honesty I really can’t think of a better secondary in the NFL. If the Eagles were a tad bit younger, the signing of Asante Samuels would definitely put them above the Raiders. Nevertheless, the Raiders were tough on defense last year and look far better this year. On the other side of the ball, JaMarcus Russell gets a chance to build chemistry with newly signed wide receivers, Javon Walker and Drew Carter. And with Justin Fargas at back, the Raiders have the capability to put up about 14 points a game, instead of 3. Are we excited? Sadly, hell yes!

Oh yeah, and one subtle note…the Raiders have the 4th pick in the draft this year. And if anyone knows anything about Al Davis, they know that he will most certainly pick Darren McFadden. Al Davis is a blind old man. He goes to bed at night and dreams of creating the next Joe Montana Jerry Rice combination…but blacker. I’m not being racist, okay? Al Davis just has this obsession with creating America’s next top black football model. Anyway, even if he does select McFadden in the draft and does nothing to solidify either line, both of which could use help, the Raiders will still look like the best mediocre squad out there.

Let’s not get out of line; the Raiders will not win 10 games. But at the same time, let’s acknowledge the work that Al Davis has done. The last time the Raiders did something positive was a minute prior to the infamous “tuck rule” play. Since then, the Raiders have flat out sucked. Oh, there was the Superbowl back in 2003, but their humiliating loss was just the culmination of their suckiness that year. I think they went into the game thinking, "hey guys we haven't sucked in a while, so let's just lay a gigantic bomb on the world." Mission accomplished. I mean they’ve sucked so bad, Oakland’s suicide rate has surpassed its homicide rate, and that's not an easy thing to do. (We're going to hell for that joke).

And yes, we can sit here like everyone else and look at all the bad things Al Davis has done, but I would like to take the high route. Here is my list of achievements Al Davis has made in the past 5 years.

#1 Randy Moss: He used a brilliant psychological technique whereby he made a down hill athlete hit rock bottom, only to make him desire so badly to leave for another team that when he was given the opportunity, he took full advantage of it. So in a sense, Al Davis and the Raiders are true motivators.

#2 LaMont Jordon: A top 5 rusher a few years ago, Al Davis just didn’t like him. Signing Dominic Rhodes and giving Fargas more carries, Jordan found less motivation to work hard, getting fatter and more injury prone. This was a brilliant move by Davis because we all know that LaMont Jordan is getting old and won’t be the dynamic running back he was for the next 5 years. Thus, it only makes sense to kill him when he’s hot to make way for a Darren McFadden…right?

#3 Dominic Rhodes: The Colts win the Superbowl…Davis snags their running back. Brilliant right? I mean everyone thinks the key to the Colts’ success was Peyton Manning but nooo Davis is smarter then that; he knows that without Rhodes the Colts would’ve..umm…yeah I got nothing on this one Davis you fucked up man. Sabatoge is Davis's forte.

#4 Warren Sapp: Disgruntled? Hurts the team more then he helps? Who cares, he got a lot of sacks! Davis may not have won many games, but the Raiders yielded a decent amount of sacks, especially when the game didn’t matter anymore so kudos Davis for putting the Raiders atop the list of garbage stats.

#5 EVERY SINGLE OTHER WIDE RECEIVER ON THE TEAM

Al Davis had great wide receivers and receivers with great potential. All of which were given unfair chances, Jerry Porter didn’t get enough touches while Ronald Curry had too many and then there’s Mike Williams who never even had a chance. Why does this make Al Davis brilliant? Because only Al Davis is out there showing NFL superstar athletes that life isn’t fair…that just because you are talented and you try hard and do everything correctly, you can still get fucked over because that’s just how life works. So good for you Al Davis, way to expose the harsh reality that is this world we live in haha. Think of him as a life coach.

Now looking at the 2008 Raiders, keeping in mind the brilliance that is Al Davis, it is easy to see that the Raiders will eclipse their 4-12 record of 2007. Also, it is clear that the Raiders have a lot of potential; having the strongest secondary in the NFL, a tough front 7 on defense, and an explosive QB who has a pair of decent wide receivers to throw to. Yet, more clear than anything else is the fact that Al Davis will find a way to screw everything up. Look for the Raiders to raise eyebrows a few times next season with amazing games (all 5 of them!), but don’t expect them to be out of character; they’ll still somehow lose to the Chiefs next year. Take that KC Cal!

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