Kobe Bryant, I Must Break You!

Dah, Kobe Bryant! How dare you make a fool of me and my comrades in game one! You and your pathetic democratic friends will be nothing tonight. Andrei Kirilenko does not stand for such foolishness. You are weak, useless!

That is why I have been training non stop so that the Utah Jazz will rise up in a blaze of glory. We will beat you handily, then pour Vodka on your defeated bodies as you leave the Staples Center broken and cold. Nothing can stop me! Not even the KGB can get in my way!

How do I plan to train you ask? It’s quite simple. Four words: Rocky IV Training Montage. Do you remember when Drago had those electrodes plugged into him while he was punching pressure intensive bags and pumping up steroids? That will be me! I will be destroying gym bags! I will be getting measured by scientists while Brigitte Nielsen circa 1985 looks on with a cold yet sexy stare! I will be getting hgh, androsterone, and horse tranquillisers pumped into my bloodstream. I will be the one who fights Rocky into the end, only to turn my back on my commie friends. Me! Don’t you understand my master plan?? Muhahahahaha.

I have been studying my Russian stereotypes quite well so that I can bask in the glory of your defeat. Not only will I train like Drago in Rocky IV, but I will also make enemies with British spies, Americans, and will serve as the primary villain for 24, season 7. Then I will proceed to hunt down Denzel Washington after Ethan Hawke turns him in for being a dirty cop. Lastly, I will adorn my body with mafia tattoos and fight people naked. Why? Because I’m one angry European who’s ready to unleash the power of ignorant Russian fictionalizations all over the Laker organization! And I didn’t forget about wrestling bears and mastering the spinning pile driver.

As a Russian, I am obligated to say this: I MUST BREAK YOU KOBE BRYANT!!!!


Damn Andrei, you need to calm down. It was only game one.

Deron! You know nothing! I must break you too! Now leave me be while I continue my training.

Cue “The Final Countdown”.



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